morning

He was giving me my breakfast. He set it at the edge of my desk, but there already was a book at the edge of my desk, so my breakfast teetered there.

Why does life have to be so hard for you? I asked.

That's a very good question! he said, and we looked into one another's eyes and laughed.

too much porn

But I have been looking at too much porn lately. It's the dark stuff that gets into my head and makes me feel dirty--the bad kind of dirty--when people use porn to enact their issues, and it doesn't feel good to watch. When the woman's getting abused, basically. It's not for me.

And when I feel myself staying at the computer more than I really want to--just one more--it feels like long ago when I was unhappy and used porn for some comfort, but it was low quality and didn't nourish my soul.

So I need to lay off the porn for now. Yesterday, when I closed my eyes, I saw these close-ups of a cock sliding in and out of a cunt, and it got to the point where it wasn't beautiful or even nice, felt more like a compulsion. I had stumbled onto some pro stuff--not that all pro stuff has to be bad--but this was filled with gender trouble of the sort that smarts.

I like amateur stuff so much more, when the couple seems to love one another. I like the moment when one will reach for the other's hand, as they fuck, and I really think they like eachother.

Listening to me talk about porn is like listening to the ignorant talk about her ignorance--I really know nothing about it but what little I've seen with my own eyes or made in my own bedroom, very limited experience, and I will spare you, my dear reader.

present

I got him into bed with me. I sucked his dick, to begin with, which happens almost always....

I go down on him until he's moaning and about to come. I have a condom out of its wrapper and waiting. My cunt aches with arousal as I fuck him with my mouth.

Then I put the condom on him and quickly slip him into me. We look into one another's eyes as we real-learn what it feels like for me to ride him. I become confident. I remember how to make it feel best. He murmurs and strains toward me. He plays with my tits, sucks my nipples, paws me and stares, then squeezes his eyes shut and says, Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Then I get on my feet--we're on the floor in the living room--and squat above him, bouncing on his dick fast, grabbing his shoulders and watching him. And then he says, I'm going to come. I watch his face contort, and I revel in his happiness and satisfaction.

Then I lie down, he touches my tits while I rub my clit, and when I know I'll come, I put his hand there to make him do it. When I come, I grab him hard and hold him to me, crying out, high and long, as the orgasm fills my body with the best reward I know and could ever know.

So that's what it's like, lately. Ever since Saturday when he got home from the hike, and I had been looking at porn for three hours. He was dehydrated and exhausted but pleased when I wanted to have my way with him, and I did have my way. He can just lie there--I don't care. I'll do it all to him.

fucking him

We cuddled and looked into one another's eyes a lot. I wasn't in a hurry. He touched my tits, and I touched his cock.

Then I went down on him. I pushed him back on the floor and sucked his dick, licked it up and down on the underside, fucked him with my mouth, pushing him as deep as he can go, listening to him moan. My right hand was at the base of his dick, holding on, or carassed his thigh and ass. My left arm was reaching up and grasping his shoulder.

I might come, he said, but I didn't want him to, so I slowed down a lot and stalled. Then I went down on him again with vigor, and kept him at the edge for as long as I wanted to, tasting the pre-come. To me, this is one of the greatest pleasures of life, to know someone well enough to keep them at the edge for a long time.

I got a condom and put it on him and slipped his dick into me. I fucked him quickly and watched his expression change as he played with my tits. I had a lot of energy. It was night and just cool enough for sex.

Then I got onto my feet to squat over him. His dick was inside my cunt, and my hands were on his shoulders as I bouced on his dick very quickly. I'm going to come, he told me, and his face contorted in powerful feelings as he came.

I lay on the floor beside him and rubbed my clit as he played with my tits and praised me. When I felt I would come, I put his hand there and made him push me over. I cried out and held him to me hard.

We lay on the floor for a long time afterward. He petted my hair, and we talked. I touched his chest. We had nothing to do.

tub spout

When I was a kid and teenager, I had a variety of masturbation methods, but one of my favorites was letting the water in the tub flow over my clitoris until I came. I thought of this all by myself (I didn't speak about masturbation with anyone, when I was 10). It worked very well. I spent a lot of time in the bath.

Today my husband and I were in the shower, and I had him sit on the edge of the tub. I went down on him. His dick was so clean and wholesome. I licked the underside as I fucked him with my mouth. I was in no hurry--we have nothing we need to do. I lay in the tub and sucked him off at my leisure. He moaned and said, It feels so good.

I was happy to bring him some pleasure, but I also felt a little detached and matter-of-fact about it. Going down on him is a true joy but is also a normal thing to do, happy and easy. His cries got louder, and I was a little concerned about the neighbors, but not enough to stop and caution him. My left hand grasped his cock at the base as my mouth sucked away, and my tongue lapped.

My cunt was more interested the louder he became, and he began to lose control as he said, I might come. I like to see him lose control. So I was emotional and very horny by then. He came in my mouth, spurting an unusually large quantity of semen into my mouth, and his dick stayed hard longer than usual. I kept licking until it was mostly small.

Then we cleaned up a bit with the convenient tub water, and I told him I wanted to masturbate like when I was little, and he could sit behind me and touch my tits. I let the water out of the tub, and then I adjusted the stream of water coming from the spout. I positioned my cunt below the stream and put my head in my husband's lap. He soaped up my tits and touched my nipples.

I lay there. I didn't know what to do. It definitely felt good, and my cunt was swelled with arousal, but it was strange not to do anything, to just passively wait for an orgasm from the water. I tried to fantacize, but the stream of water felt so different from the kinds of sex I have with my husband. I liked it, and sometimes I thought I would eventually get to the home-stretch of coming, but after about 20 minutes of this, I gave up.

I guess I can't come this way anymore! I told my husband. We retired to the bedroom. He fucked me with the blue vibrator, and I rubbed my clit until I came. It's the middle finger of my right hand I use. That was difficult too, so maybe I'm just a bit off, today.

These are the primary sentences I imagine being said to me as I masturbate.

I want to fuck you so bad.

I've always wanted to fuck you.

I love you.

my husband

He is the nicest person I ever met. His heart is pure. He cares about everyone. Any mistake he makes is an oversight or error of expectation. He would do anything for me. He's brimming full of goodness like the goodness is an actual white light glowing inside him. Moral, emotional, attentive, cautious. He can get a little pissy when he's driving and angry about politics. But he's just pure good.

Not me--I get vengeful and can be mean when I'm feeling slighted. Are you making fun of me? I ask. I'm sensitive about things I shouldn't be, take stuff personally, and don't let it go. I'm demanding and can be critical. I'm moral, emotional, attentive, and cautious too, and I try to be gentle, but I'm not always succesful. He is. When I'm tired, I get snappy. He never gets snappy. This goodness is as true a reason as any why I married him four years ago.

All this purity might be a bit boring if he wasn't also wildly creative, stunningly brilliant, gifted with curiousity and a long attention span for learning, funny, charming, and gorgeous.

Elsewhere I've described his muscular thighs, beautiful package, broad shoulders, the squishy layer of fat under his skin that makes him so cuddly and snuggle-able. And his soft, white skin.

But I probably didn't mention his dazzling green eyes, lucious mouth, perfect ass. The vulnerability of his personhood. He's explicitly sweet. When I look into his eyes, I feel like I'm looking into perfection, not cold and precise, but a living and changing perfection of goodness and warmth that's focused on my well-being.

The few friendships he does form, he loves his friends very much. He's as emotional as I am, which is saying a lot.

areola, snowballing

A friend who I sent the sex zine to commented that the colored area around my nipples is really big, which I had never really believed to be true, but I was looking at some porn the other day and realized that she's right. The nipples themselves aren't really big, but that colored area is a bit remarkable.

In other news, I learned what snowballing is. It's when he comes in your mouth and then you kiss him. And according to some definitions, you swap the semen back and forth. My husband I have kissed after he came in my mouth. And I think he was neutral about it as opposed to it being an erotic thing.

right away

When he got home from work yesterday, we took off our clothes at the door. We went to bed immediately. Yet there were delays. Do you need a snack? I asked. He had a banana and touched my breasts. Do you need to wash? I asked. He decided he wanted to.

I went to the computer to look at porn while he took a shower, but I got sidetracked in a discussion of race and porn. Before I knew it, he was clean, and we went back to bed. He smelled so nice from the new linden soap.

I went down on him as he fondled my nipples and I masturbated. His dick was lovely and eager in my mouth. This is a variation of what I described enjoying last time--rather than him knealing behind me, he lies on his side to my left, and I suck his dick that way. So I don't have his balls on my nose, or the feeling of remarkable vulnerability, but he's more comfortable.

I might come, he said, as I energetically went down on him. I slowed, hoping to delay him. I was about to come too. We were very horny, and he said, I'm going to come and spurted into my mouth. I let myself come at the same time, and it was beautiful, though difficult to keep going down on him as my body was overwhelmed by intense, incapacitating pleasure, and we had some miscommunication about where I wanted his hands.

It was over quickly. I was a little sad because I had felt a lot of energy like I could have fucked for hours. I put his semen into a tissue. We cuddled and talked, very physically peaceful.

Then we got up, I looked at porn some more, and I started laughing as I read the FAQ of a guy who does autofellatio. Someone asked him if sucking his own dick made him gay, and I thought that was a really funny dumb question. So I showed my husband some of the pictures, and joked with him about yoga and if he would like to be able to do that.

Later we found ourselves in bed again, and I told him about the discussion of race and porn, and he told me how much he likes when I share with him my experiences of viewing porn, and it arouses him. He was wearing some blue flannel boxer shorts. Do you have a boner? I asked, and touched his dick through his shorts.

Of course, it's difficult to stop touching his dick once I start. I felt it grow to its full length and width through the soft fabric, and I liked the way it looked, poking and straining. I always like touching him through clothes, and being touched through clothes myself.

But I took his chonies off, and touched his dick with spit on my hand, and went down on him again. I have a hard time keeping him out of my mouth. His dick was so nice and familiar after already going down on him two hours before.

Want to be close again? I asked. We went to the livingroom to take advantage of the air conditioning there. I got on all fours on the floor. He put a condom on and fucked me joyfully from behind, so I was very happy, because that's what I wanted originally. We went at it for a long time, and he moaned as he gave it to me good.

When he was at an apex of excitement, I told him to come in me, and remarkably, he didn't protest--remarkably because that's against current policy (I'll have to ask him about that). He checked if the condom was on properly and gave me his all, came loudly, to my great happiness, though probably not the neighbor's. I heard some noises from downstairs--doors slamming, either a coincidence or anger.

Then I masturbated as he spoke caringly to me and touched my nipples. He sucked my left nipple, and I worked dilligently for my second orgasm of the evening, rubbing the hell out of my clit, whimpering, and when I did finally come, it was small reward, a flood of pleasure over quickly as if my body believed I had already had my due, though I wouldn't have had it any other way, and it's better to have come small than not to have come at all....

Later yet, I was telling him about the prostate gland and telling him how men can come dry and some describe the orgasms as more intense and powerful than regular ones. Finally I seem to have convinced him to let me in his ass! He's interested.

It's been so long I've been trying to interest him in anal sex, not that I want him to fuck me in the ass, but that I want to do him. So I feel one step closer to that goal. And we got sort of aroused again, but there was no way we were going to go for round three on a school night.

lately

This is something I have been enjoying lately: I lie on my back, and he's on his knees behind my head. He puts his dick in my mouth and touches my breasts as I rub my clit. I like the feel of his dick in my mouth, his balls on my nose, and his hands have a complete freedom as they touch my breasts. I feel vulnerable in a way that gets me off, entirely bare to him.

The last two times we've done this, I have come before him, which is unusual. I always like to take care of him before getting to come myself. Once he has come, I feel I can really concentrate and focus on myself.

But lately, I've been very aroused and came first. I think it's because I really like my nipples to be touched both at the same time, for quite a while, and the vulnerability I mentioned before.

When I can't continue any longer, I ask him to hold me. He squeezes me in his arms, his entire body against mine, and I feel safe as I allow the orgasm to flood my body with intense, scary joy and I convulse. Convulse is such an ugly word, but what do I mean. Strange involuntry muscle movements in my whole body at the same time as my mind is entirely occupied. Or unoccupied.

So then after I come, I jerk him off onto my tits. And we clean up and cuddle and go to sleep. After sex I'm usually sleepy or hungry. Sometimes both. We're very much cuddle-sleepers, which is difficult when it's so hot....

after reading

It was night. It was late. We were naked because it was hot. He read to me some Virginia Woolf in bed. Then he put the book down, and we were sleepy. I felt affectionate toward him and petted his package until his penis got large and very attentive.

Want to be close? I asked, which is a silly question. I went down on him. We lay on our sides, and my pillow was under my head. We took our time. I sucked his dick, rubbed the underside with my tongue, and jacked him off occassionally, for a little while, or held the shaft in my hand while I sucked just the head and ran my tongue around it.

He started to moan a lot, and I didn't change anything I was doing but slowed. The night was quiet and beautiful. The window was open, and the air was cooling down.

His moans became more urgent, which made my cunt ache, and he said, "I'm going to come." I nodded, and almost right away, the white liquid was spurting in my mouth and throat. For a long time, he came. I held his dick in my mouth and gently licked the underside, where the head meets the shaft.

As I listened to him, my cunt was almost in pain from the need to be touched. I kept his dick in my mouth until it was small. My pillow was soaked in semen on the corner where I had allowed the semen to escape my mouth.

We cleaned up with tissues. We looked into eachother's eyes. He said thank you and You're so good. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and then I masturbated as he held me.

My cunt was slippery and alert, though my mind was sleepy. I remembered the texture and mass of his cock as I fucked it with my mouth, the taste and smell of him. I thought of sex. I let fantasies pass through my mind in quick succession: the sound of his cry, sounds from years past, the way his face looks when he comes, sometimes, and the way my heart goes out to him as I make him feel.

When I came, I felt like my entire body was overtaken by an intense force. I cried quietly, aware of the window being open and the lateness of the hour, for a long time, as the waves of good feeling hit my body and flowed through again, again, again, again, again.

tahini

We've had a joke around here for years about putting tahini on his weenie. Do you know tahini? It's like peanutbutter but made of sesame seeds and more liquid with a different taste.

This afternoon, we wanted ice cream and then to make love. I suggested he also bring a little dish of tahini, and he did!

We enjoyed our ice cream, lying naked in bed in the hot afternoon, and then I got it first. He spooned little portions of tahini on my nipples. It was cold. Then he licked and sucked it off. He sucked harder than he usually does, and I liked it very much.

Then I dipped my finger in the tahini and painted it onto his nipples, licked and sucked it off. This was very much valuable as a way to let him imagine for a while how this would be on his dick. His eyes were closed. I liked how it felt to attend to his nipples though they're not very sensitive. I liked how it felt to hover over him as he lay on his back.

I painted some tahini on his dick with my fingers and then licked it off, painted more, licked it off, then used it as a sticky lubricant while I jacked him off, licked it off some more as he moaned. I held tight onto the shaft as I sucked and licked the head. I went down on him with all the kindness and nastiness in the world. I tasted the pre-come and felt his dick get its hardest and largest.

That was when I stopped. You're such a good cocksucker, he said.

Then we fucked with him on top of me. He did it hard and deep. I felt special and very pleased. I asked him to hold me down by the wrists. Then I asked him to hold me down by the shoulders, which we very much enjoyed.

I like being held down, pushed down into the bed, which is another of my repetitve fantasies, which I imagined over and over again, all day every day, before we got together: him pushing me back into the bed and forcing me down as he fucked me visciously, and I had no agency and therefore could not be blamed for commiting adultery.

When it hurt, I had him check, and the condom had come off entirely inside of me.

So we masturbated for a while. You make me so horny, I told him. I would die if you didn't fuck me, I said. I've never wanted to fuck anyone like I want to fuck you, I said. I never loved anyone like I love you.

He was knealing on my left, jacking off and touching my left nipple. I masturbated, touching my own right nipple, and I was going to come, but I wanted to fuck some more and asked him if he would fuck me again.

That time he went behind me, and it was just lovely because my cunt was swelled up and tighter than usual. I could feel his dick in such exquisite detail. He gave it to me over and over again. I savored it, knowing he wouldn't come in me, though, which is the new policy for birth control.

I was getting off on imagining him calling me a little whore. For some reason, I was in the mood to fantasize about being degraded, imaging him a little mean, which he isn't.

Stop, I said. I couldn't bear to go any longer without coming. He knealed on my left again, and I masturbated and jacked him off at the same time. I did him fast and did myself slow.

I'm going to come, he told me, and then the white liquid spurted on my face and tits. I held off for as long as I could, and then I was coming too. As I came, he grabbed and massaged my shoulders.

We talked and cuddled and then went to sleep. We napped about an hour. When we woke up, I looked at the clock, and it was 2:30. Are you ready to be people? he asked.

No, I said. I hate waking up from a nap.

Later I made him sandwiches for work with the leftover tahini from the little brown dish. With lettuce and pretend bacon bits, just like he likes it.

accident III

I wanted sex, but I was also feeling unsure I had the emotional and physical energy to do all that. I remember when I was over-medicated that's how it felt all the time. Sex was like a long, beautiful hike I had no energy for.

He took a shower while I thought about sex, unplugged the phone, and waited. I lay on the living room floor. He lay down with me and touched me. I played with his dick. He rubbed my clit, and I said, This is a good massage you're giving me. He told me how he felt my clit changing. Am I getting a boner? I asked. I asked him to touch the opening with a lot of lubricant, like in my dream, and he understood. I moaned and inhabited the wonderful feeling of the hand there with so much attentive love.

He knealed to my left, and I jacked him off. His dick is so beautiful: eager and willing. He enjoyed it, his eyes closed, murmuring, and suddenly gave me the alarmed look that means he'll come if I continue one second longer, so I stopped.

I got on all fours, and he put on a condom and rammed it in. I was surprised he went in me so soon. I tilted my pelvis different ways. His body was close up against mine, and he pounded me. I felt like my destiny was being fulfilled. I felt very right. All I wanted was to be fucked like that, for as long as possible, though my knees ached from the hardness of the floor. I gripped the pillow under my ribs and concentrated on his cock in my cunt and what he did with it, his moans, and how it felt to be myself as he was himself fucking me.

We would have a rhythm together, almost bouncing, as he fucked me very quickly. And sometimes I would limit my own movement, and all the force was coming from him. I like how that feels, when the will is his, and I pretend to be more passive.

And sometimes he was more still, and all the force was on my part, and that was maybe the most erotic, because my posture was of complete submission, so it makes us excited when there's a reverse, and I'm the one fucking him even though I'm on all fours and seem to be in service.

That's when he was most excited and ready to come. I might come, he said. I wasn't sure I wanted him to and hesitated. Do you want me to? he asked, gaspy. I contintued and said yes because I felt I would have liked to keep fucking forever, but my knees seemed to be undergoing damage.

Yes, please come, I said, and I fucked with with complete enthusiusm. He was in a state of bliss. His moans went out of control as he rammed it in and came for a long time.

Then his hand went to his dick so he could hold onto the condom while withdrawing, and the condom wasn't on his dick anymore. It was in me, and when he pulled it out, there was no semen to be seen in it. You need to wash, he said.

I stumbled to the bathroom a little angry. He went in the shower with me as I washed, and we talked about the accident. When I washed my cunt, I felt the slickness and knew some of it was my own, while some of it was his semen. I was a little angry though it wasn't his fault. But why does it slip so often? I just don't want to get pregnant. And maybe a little of my anger was because he won't get a vasectomy. If I have to get an abortion, I'm going to be pissed.

We went back to the livingroom floor, and I masturbated while he fucked me with the blue vibrator. I enjoyed myself but mostly just wanted to come. I rubbed my clit faster than usual. When I was ready to come, I put my left arm around him and held him close to me, his head to my chest, and came silently, like I might have years ago.

My period's still wanky (my last period lasted about a month), but I might be fertile. So I took the first Plan B pill at 7:08, and we set the alarm for 7:08 in the morning so I could take pill number two.

So say a prayer that I'm not going to get pregnant, though it's doubtful. I think we need to impliment some stringent policies, like we can fuck with a condom on, but he can't come in me anymore, which is of course a bit devestating, since that's my favorite part!

And more birth control thoughts must be thought. The current plan was to keep using condoms for another year until I get a real job with health insurance and then would be covered and get my tubes tied. But maybe the plan will change now.