loyalty

Feelings can be confusing, confused. They can be small and get big all of a sudden. There can be small shadow feelings behind the foreground, official feelings. Things can change quickly.

Or in a bad mood, you can suddenly see things have accumulated that you didn't even know about. And something that had been so small as to be ignorable suddenly becomes vital.

I was so happy with things in bed, but one day I got angry that every time I come, it's by my own hand. I had been so happy. But then there was an accumulation of anger at the inequity of our sexual roles. Every time he came, I made him come. Every time I came, I made myself come. He did help. I mean whose finger was on the clitoris.

One night I got so mad I said bitter, angry things that shouldn't be repeated.

So we talked about it, and last time we had sex, instead of me masturbating with his hands on my breasts, he touched my clitoris, and I touched my breasts. I gave him a few instructions. He listened to my breathing and sounds. When I came, it was beautiful and healing.

Is it disloyal to even speak of this? It's revolutionary to tell the truth. But he is my partner, and maybe I should be silent in respect. There are gender issues, since women have historically been told to shut up about their men and their feelings--maybe it helps the world in a small way to speak honestly.

But I do love my husband, and I don't want to slander him, even anonymously, which I think I just recently learned to spell. Maybe since the story has a happy ending, it's not slander. He is a dear. He is good-hearted, kind-hearted, and any neglect of equity is from obliviousness rather than intentional.

But I wonder sometimes how much that matters, what people are responsible for, and if a sin of omission ranks as high as a sin kinetic.