authentic experience

Monday, May 08, 2006

family planning, first fantasies

He researched vasectomy and doesn't feel ready. "So much can change in five years," he said. In five years I'll be almost 35. It's hard to imagine I'll change my mind and want kids then. But he's right. We're both really scared of commitment, and getting fixed is a pretty big one.

I started a progestin-only birth control pill yesterday, and I don't know how much faith I have in its efficacy. The instructions said we could rely on it after 48 hours, but the person at the women's health clinic said two weeks, so I guess we're still on condoms for a little while.

My time for taking it is noon every day. I would like some kind of daily alarm to help me remember.

Yesterday we did my first fantasy again. I was blindfolded. He pretended to be a stranger, and I was a young girl. Most dangerously erotic was when he fucked my mouth, which he did three seperate times. My mouth has become very skilled in this role. I can feel every detail of his dick so beautifully. I also liked how it felt to grab and jerk off his cock with the blindfold on because I could feel its thickness and eagerness so much better without being overwhelmed by the sight.

When he fucked me, sometimes his dick was at an angle different from usual where my clitoris was getting stimulated very much, and I was panting at the edge of coming for so long and straining my whole self to rub against him.

My nipples felt better than ever. My cunt felt better than ever. My entire self was his and glowing with sex. We were sweaty and fully present with eachother, completely ourselves though we were pretending to be other people--how odd is that. And it was healing to enact this fantasy.

I was so frustrated as a 10 year old girl. I was filled with some of the most intense lust of my life with no skills to get it satisfied. I fantacised about being raped so I could know sex. I remember waiting in the car while my mom shopped in a store and wishing any man would come and rape me so I could finally have a deep need met, of course not knowing what rape is really like, not knowing anything but my own feelings and what I suspected from movies, innuendos, pictures, and hints.

Is 10 a little young for this? Maybe or maybe not. But this fantasy (of being alone in a hut at the edge of the village where a strange man will come and fuck me anonymously), while wholesome and good, is also tied up with a frustration that made me cry. And the frustrations of ignorance and religious oppression. So enacting it is good in many ways because the little girl in me finally gets fucked and I can let that part of me feel the peace of union.


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