authentic experience

Saturday, June 10, 2006

my nature

When I was was a teenager, I had girlfriends and boyfriends at the same time. I found it to be a good path. I was loving and committed to all my partners--we were good friends. It wasn't fuck-buddies.

Now that I'm an adult and monogamous, I see the validity of fuck-buddies. I don't have such rigid morality that I believe everyone must use sex as an expression of spiritual intimacy, with everyone and every time.

However, my husband thinks sex without love is gross. He finds it reprehensible and turns away from the idea like turning away from a scene of gore.

I feel a tension between my need for security with my husband and my need to love many people. Can I keep the love unphysical and maintain my monogamy? I value my husband more and more every day, and we know what our rules are. I would never commit adultery against him--if it came down to it, we would have to change the rules.

Adultery is an option for people who feel trapped, and our relationship is a healthy, living collaberation. Or adultery is an option for people who just aren't moral, but he and I are careful, caring.

Sometimes I think the nonmonogamy of my teenage and young adult years was more true to my nature. Other times I feel like life is so complicated. I can barely do everything I need to do in a day as it is, and adding another partner would be incapacitating.


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