imagining

I like being held down, mostly my wrists, but also my shoulders. Lately he sometimes grabs my ankles, which I like because I love my ankles touched at all. And it's similar, the feel of his hands around my wrists. It's a very erotic loved feeling I get.

I have to resist the urge to ask whether there's something wrong with me that I like this. One of my favorite things about sex is how it's pretty "anything goes" and though I don't like seeing others enact darkness in scary porn, I like to enact my own--in fact, it's one of the most erotic things to do, isn't it?

Personally, so many fantasies I have are about not having agency and not being responsible for my actions, which is very common, I know, when culture tells us as young people confusing messages about sex being bad--I wanted it so much, when I was newly adolescent, yet couldn't completely handle wanting it.

And falling in love with my husband, when I was with someone else, it's as if even in the fantasies, I had to relinquish responsibility so I wouldn't be a bad person for wanting it. So there had to be some degree of force.

As someone who was raped before, I'm sure all of this is more charged. Am I trying to re-enact being raped but with someone I love and with caring outcomes? That's a good question. I have the belief that people who have been raped and molested are more sexually focused and sexual in general, maybe since the trauma forces a person into self-analysis, or makes sex more loaded and therefore more undeniable. I'd be interested to learn more about this.

Fantasies are hilarious what I will and will not allow. Last night in the car, a long car ride, I was having a fantasy about a women being held down and fucked by many men in turn, something I haven't seen in porn--maybe it's too dark to be common, or maybe I've been lucky because the way porn-makers would depict it would terrify me.

But in my fantasy, she does like it, and maybe it's friendly and a game. In porn, I see many men with a woman, but not restraining her, and she seems very busy, too much going on, and I can't focus well on any one thing.

There are limitations on what I let myself imagine, and how often, loyalty to my husband even in my mind. I'll be lying in bed fantacising about him when he's in the other room. I'll imagine him looking at me certain ways and saying he loves me in a particular tone of voice.

Or I imagine people fucking in a tent, or I imagine him saying things he doesn't really say. What do I like? The most attractive things for me are intelligence, creativity, caring, a loving gaze, a large vocabulary.