theory

This past weekend I was visiting with family, and my dad and niece were playing in a backyard pool. They were splashing, teasing, swimming around, holding their breath underwater, and having a good time. My niece, who is four, liked me near. She seemed to be paying no attention to me, but when I made a move to leave, she objected. "Stay here, Auntie!" she said, laughing. No matter who she's playing with, she likes me around, and I've heard her say this to others too. So I obeyed, and it made me think of this sex blog and why I've written it.

Some people, maybe all people, like a witness to our play. It's why I write letters, partly. It's why people like to talk about their days. To be recognized and seen, witnessed. So that's probably a reason to sex blog, to be silently observed. When my husband and I are fucking, it's just the two of us, but in a very removed way, if I blog about it later, then someone is watching, and exhibitionism is hot.

Another reason to sex blog has been for myself. My husband and I were trying new things, and I wanted to document it. For him too. He reads it and learns more about what was happening in my head. It's been intimate and beautiful.

To represent reality as art. All art is representational, isn't it? I could paint a picture, but I don't paint. Compose a dance, sketch, sculpt. I'm not good at any of these, but I am sort of a writer.

Fan mail has let me know that a small handful of people enjoy the blog and some even find it to be a meaningful part of their lives. People who object to picture porn can read this erotica instead and keep to their agreements.

And sex blogging, it's transgressive to talk about these naughty things. In transgression I find healing. I have to break the rules to heal from the oppression of the rules. Anonymity makes my transgression safe.

I would welcome any other ideas on why I've done this, why anyone does this.