pleasure on Thursday

He was hiking, and I was looking at porn much the day. My friend S showed me a 20-minute scene from a movie where two women were having sex. I liked it a lot.

Then when my husband came home from hiking, he took a shower, and we did it on the living room floor. I went down on him--he was hard and big. Then we looked at some porn I thought he would like. I rubbed his dick as we watched, and he rubbed my nipples.

Then we lay on the floor again, and he went down on me. Normally, I have a hard time allowing him to go down on me because I feel selfish, but in so much of the porn I had been watching, this was the norm, so I let him--asked him to, in fact, and he was happy to oblige--and asked him to stick two fingers in my cunt for good measure. It felt so good! I felt very happy and moaned a lot, which also seemed normal, from the porn I'd been viewing. See, this was the good and helpful kind of porn.

We stopped after a while, and then he told me he wanted to make me come that way. I was hungry, so orgasm wasn't easy, and I rubbed my clit a little to get me further along. When he did make me come, it was intimate and intense, as well as intimate and sweet. I felt so grateful and loved.

Then he knealed by my side and jacked off for a while, as I played with my tits and jiggled them for him. Then I took over and jacked him off, ultimately making him come on my chest and tits. The come shot onto my neck also. It was loving and very satisfying.

Yesterday morning I went to the women's health clinic for free condoms, so we're ready to go again.

available

I still have copies of the sex zine available. It's quarter-sized, text-heavy with a few line-drawings. The text is taken from this blog but with a project-contextualizing post-script. It's free for the asking--just email me an address at greenlacewingwoman at yahoo dot com.

an overview

We fucked in the bath tub. We did it on our knees, then standing up for as long as his legs could last, then I was squatting on top of him and made him come.

We fucked in bed. We looked at gay porn and men masturbating and then did it like animals, sort of.

We fucked some more, another day.

We fucked regularly and thoroughly.

Last night we talked for a long time about delicate subjects, and then I needed some release. He'd showered after exercising. He was lying there naked, on his back. His balls looked so beautiful, valuable, vulnerable, and clean. I touched them, so big, pink, and soft.

Then I touched his dick a little, and it got bigger. I decided to stop pretending we weren't going to make love and just grabbed it.

I went down on him and used my hand alternately. He would be about to come in my hand, then I would suck it for a while, and he would be about to come in my mouth, and I would jack him off again. It was good.

Then he did come, and I washed up. He told me, You're incredible. He told me what he had been saying to me in his head.

I masturbated and then he made me come, my left nipple in his mouth, his fingers on my clit, and I was happy. We went to sleep after midnight knowing full-well we'd be tired at work, but it was okay.

imagining

I like being held down, mostly my wrists, but also my shoulders. Lately he sometimes grabs my ankles, which I like because I love my ankles touched at all. And it's similar, the feel of his hands around my wrists. It's a very erotic loved feeling I get.

I have to resist the urge to ask whether there's something wrong with me that I like this. One of my favorite things about sex is how it's pretty "anything goes" and though I don't like seeing others enact darkness in scary porn, I like to enact my own--in fact, it's one of the most erotic things to do, isn't it?

Personally, so many fantasies I have are about not having agency and not being responsible for my actions, which is very common, I know, when culture tells us as young people confusing messages about sex being bad--I wanted it so much, when I was newly adolescent, yet couldn't completely handle wanting it.

And falling in love with my husband, when I was with someone else, it's as if even in the fantasies, I had to relinquish responsibility so I wouldn't be a bad person for wanting it. So there had to be some degree of force.

As someone who was raped before, I'm sure all of this is more charged. Am I trying to re-enact being raped but with someone I love and with caring outcomes? That's a good question. I have the belief that people who have been raped and molested are more sexually focused and sexual in general, maybe since the trauma forces a person into self-analysis, or makes sex more loaded and therefore more undeniable. I'd be interested to learn more about this.

Fantasies are hilarious what I will and will not allow. Last night in the car, a long car ride, I was having a fantasy about a women being held down and fucked by many men in turn, something I haven't seen in porn--maybe it's too dark to be common, or maybe I've been lucky because the way porn-makers would depict it would terrify me.

But in my fantasy, she does like it, and maybe it's friendly and a game. In porn, I see many men with a woman, but not restraining her, and she seems very busy, too much going on, and I can't focus well on any one thing.

There are limitations on what I let myself imagine, and how often, loyalty to my husband even in my mind. I'll be lying in bed fantacising about him when he's in the other room. I'll imagine him looking at me certain ways and saying he loves me in a particular tone of voice.

Or I imagine people fucking in a tent, or I imagine him saying things he doesn't really say. What do I like? The most attractive things for me are intelligence, creativity, caring, a loving gaze, a large vocabulary.

enthusiastic

Yesterday I had him sit on my lower ribcage and fuck my tits, which we'd smeared with lubricant. I enjoyed watching him and feeling it, but I made the mistake of licking the head of his cock as it came near my mouth--the lubricant tasted terrible.

Why had we never done it that way? I thought I was too big around, or his legs were too thick and muscular, but it worked well. I told him I got the idea from some porn I'd seen, but he didn't mind at all. He's very rational and easy to please.

Today I had him sit on my chest and fuck my mouth that way. He was worried he was oppressing me, as his cock went down my throat, but I liked it and didn't feel oppressed at all. He was worried I would feel pinned or trapped, which I was, in a way, but I completely trust him. So on the third try, he let himself relax and completely enjoy it, and that was a beautiful thing.

We did it that way three different times, and then he touched my tits while I sucked his dick another way, and I was at the edge of coming. We were both losing it, which is my favorite, stopping so we won't come, taking ourselves to the edge and then stopping to kiss for a minute, doing this again and again.

Then he put a condom on and fucked me from behind. He was going in slow motion so as not to come. I felt so thoroughly fucked and present in my body. Finally he did come, and it was nothing short of glorious.

Then I had him fuck me with his fingers as I rubbed my clit, and I came that way, still on my knees, my upper body pushing against the bed as if it were a person and I was being held by it. It's so good to be young, alive, healthy, in love.